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Ragazzo Piccolo Diabolico

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i'm a bit of a liar [Apr. 8th, 2010|04:06 am]
Ragazzo Piccolo Diabolico
[mood |sleepysleepy]

i never come to live journal these days.

i expect that there is not a soul out there who will actually read this.

happens when you don't write.

work has absorbed my life. which is odd. its not a nice absorb either. not like a sponge cleaning up a mess to make way for more potential messes. more like the blob slowly encompassing the car you thought you could get away in and crushing and squeezing both you and any hope you had of escape.

yeah. a lot like that.

its almost 4AM. a time of the day reserved for people who are either Still Up, or Getting An Early Start. because nothing normal happens at 4AM. only the winding down of normal, or the preparations for normal. but, normal itself, it doesn't happen now. normal and 4AM aren't even on speaking terms. they probably never will be. which is fine. anyone who expects that isn't normal either.

i should get some sleep. i've been making a habit of doodling a little bit of ideas for some Orc units for this dumb game ever night. i rather consistent with it which is shocking cause i don't play Orcs. in fact, i've never even played the game. well yet. i imagine i will play it some fine day.

regardless i like the way these silly orcs are designed. a mix of primitive, functional, and over the top. so i'll go off and do that, then get some sleep.

its been real.
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42 weeks of dead air [Sep. 4th, 2009|06:32 pm]
Ragazzo Piccolo Diabolico
[mood |blahblah]

i've spent a very large amount of time blogging elsewhere. but, i've grown weary of status messages, browser games, what fuckin character from some good awful movie are you quizzes, stupid pictures, and being hunted down by every moron i've ever worked with.

its a warm hug of a feeling to be able to rant in relative peace.

almost the end of the summer, and my attempts to go camping have failed utterly again. i find it fascinating that this one activity, so simple in nature, has become the bane of my existence. i just want to sit outside, swat mosquitoes, and alternate between sitting too close to the fire and getting too hot, and too far from the fire and getting too cold.

throw in a couple trees and a random wild creature sighting (i'd take a squirrel) and i'm good.

but, so far every weekend has been claimed by weddings i have to attend, or someone else has to attend. family bbq's, parties, and other bullshit. let's not even go into the long line of 'summer blockbuster' releases that killed weekends to sit and be horrified by how bad the movies actually are.

Origins was the highlight of the summer and that shit was in June.

sigh.

well at least its a few days i don't have to work.
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so why do you live in a republic? [Nov. 13th, 2008|10:37 pm]
Ragazzo Piccolo Diabolico
[mood |curiouscurious]

just so i am not completely silent...

you live in a republic...
founded to be a Utopian magical land of happiness
by a whole mess of folks who lived a long time ago
back before cars, phones, the internet, or a cure for fuckin polio

i like to imagine that they were nice folks
but let's face it they could not have ever envisioned the future
we don't just fly we take regular trips INTO SPACE ok?
continuing to blindly follow a system created so long ago

well its pretty silly to put it nicely

we live in a world where we could actually function as a true democracy.
your voice, my voice, anyone's voice could be heard on ANY issue our nation needed to face.
you don't need to be 'represented' by an additional civil servant someplace
some elected official who never once calls you up and says 'how do you feel about this issue?'
its not like your number isn't listed

they manage to find you when they wanted a vote right?

so why do you live in a republic?
do you feel that other people who have done nothing specific to earn your trust or qualify in any direct way are better suited to decide what sounds like a good law and what doesn't?
what keeps you pretending that letting someone else make your choices for you is 'freedom'
rather than collective lazy bums.

if it comes to that you could vote on anything from anywhere in your house. your car. your friend's car. the mall. the bathroom on the bottom floor of the Hoover Dam in the middle of the fuckin tour. imagine a world where you actually knew what was going on. imagine a world where companies had to spend tons of money to lobby to everyone. everyone.

so why do you live in a republic? where the system matters. but you, and your opinion don't.
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i was just thinking... [Jul. 9th, 2008|08:48 pm]
Ragazzo Piccolo Diabolico
sometimes when i stand up really fast i expect to feel my internal organs slide around a bit as i change from you know... sitting to standing and stuff. but, they don't. and, i'm not sure if that's normal cause i have never asked anyone else if they can feel their internal organs slide around a bit when they stand up really fast.

here i am, a man with possibly faulty, or massively swollen internal organs that could be causing me to die any minute now and i am too shy to look out at my peers and say 'hey, do your internal organs slide around a bit when you stand up really fast?'

that one simple sentence could save my life. or possibly save two lives, cause i might ask someone who has internal organs that don't slide around a bit when they stand up really fast. and they would be like...'nope.' but, then this other guy who is a normal healthy person who has internal organs that slide around a bit when he stands up really fast would say 'hey, did i just hear you say that your internal organs don't slide around a bit when you stand up really fast? cause they totally should, you sir are probably dying of some massively swollen internal organ type disease.'

and then we would both know what we only guessed might be true. and this ray of knowledge would shine on the path of possibly not dying from some massively swollen internal organ type disease. so both me, and some other person could be saved, and that my friends is a double whammy!

so. since this is the miracle we all refer to as the internet (that i secretly call the big momma electric super highway) i can pose this question to loads of people at the same time and there is no end to the lives i may or may not save...

'do your internal organs slide around a bit when you stand up really fast?'

please, answer honestly. we all have a right to know if we may be dying from some massively swollen internal organ type disease.
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Stoneskinned (circa 1994-ish) [Jun. 30th, 2008|05:26 pm]
Ragazzo Piccolo Diabolico
[mood |soresore]

I want to cut open
the mind of God
and maybe then
I'll get some truth
I want to fuck Death
in the mouth
I want Pain
to lick my boots
I want Famine
to feast itself on
the tears it brought to earth
I want War
to tell me all about glory
while I tell him the story
of how his sons burned
I want Pestilence
broken open like a hive
to bleed out all
the lives he has stolen
I want Hate
to tell me where
his daddy used to touch him
I want Christ
to stand up for himself
for once in his fucking
bullshit forever after afterlife

an oldie, but one i still like i ran across while reading through old materials today. got a killer headache for no reason, so i spent a large portion of the day soaking in the hot tub and reading old journals for game ideas and just plain shits and giggles. i used to be very angry at the world. over time, i realized that i just didn't like it at all, and that me and the world were never going to get along.

so i've spent a great deal of my time trying to get along without any acknowledgment that the world exists. its worked out fairly well so far. i think i could write a bit of a 'how to' guide on that one. sorta like 'Stop Flailing Blindly At Life For Complete Idiots' or something else snappy.

i bought shirts with snaps the other day when i went to get my hair cut. i was very excited to see shirts with snaps. i have no idea where snaps went, but i have missed them. snaps, much like velcro, just seem to be such a good idea to me compared to the alternatives. perhaps this is why i wear so many slip on shoes instead of sneakers now? they come in fun colors, patterns, and what not and they don't require me to tie anything.

i'd like to think that 'we' as a planet have managed to move past the stage where we are forced to fasten things with bits of string. ah fucksticks. that bit of thought sticks me right back to associating myself with the rest of the world again. see, it can be so fiddly.
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why hello there little person of considerable worth! [Jun. 23rd, 2008|10:52 pm]
Ragazzo Piccolo Diabolico
i'd like to make an effort.

just to see what one looks like.

i could always tear it back down again i suppose. though i'm not totally sure how that's done. i've been here, and there today. but, nowhere i really was looking forward to being. i did the 'all you can eat' pasta thing at Pete's with April tonight. cause i know she was bored and sitting in her apartment alone, and i wanted to be out.

we had fun. we eavesdropped on a date from hell while we were there. this poor guy kept saying things like 'what kinda movies you like?' ... 'me i like those comedies cause i really like it when they make fun of stuff you know? makes me laugh.'

then he went on about doing his own laundry cause his ex (wife?) wouldn't do it right. but, he totally had it under control. oh god, we pitied her. we plotted spilling something on him until they took our plates away.

good times.

if you're reading this you should probably say howdy. i find that howdy is impossible to say wrong. unlike hello. spend an afternoon saying howdy to people you see and collect the fucked up expressions you get in return to play back later when you are totally fuckin done with this planet and everyone on it.

sometimes it works for me.

that and fart jokes.
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rambling, avoiding the world. [Jun. 14th, 2008|01:52 pm]
Ragazzo Piccolo Diabolico
right now i am supposed to be in Baltimore. i decided not to go when i discovered how little there was that i actually wanted to do at Gamesday, and in Baltimore in general. i was all like... eh. and then i was all like... why am i wasting this time/money?

more importantly the only chance i was going to get to spend time with Amber is Sunday. so that sealed the deal. heh. i like spending time with Amber. she mocks me, which means she understands me to a greater degree than most folks. and is a creep.

so i decided to stay without telling most of the world that i was not going. this includes Heather who is still trying to convince me that the two of us belong together simply because we slept together. gah! i have thrown every rational explanation i can at this person, and quite a few irrational ones. had i known there would be this much of a struggle i would've not given in and kept it in my pants believe me!

i lack the ability to be outright mean to her. but, it is rapidly approaching to be my only recourse. i have other plans for my future that do not include turning that casual encounter into the rest of my life.

boogersticks.

i still don't have much of a voice today. HOARSE!!! to much yelling over music in bars. so last night a few of the ladies came by and we just chilled in the pool and the hot tub instead of going out. grrrr. in fact i have a bit of a cough now. mebe i am sick? nah i feel fine.

Leah comes back from her training the 27th and it looks like we're all headed back up into the Adirondacks for a camping trip/party thing. 21st is gonna be Turning Stone casino night for Jenn's b-day. i haven't been down gambling in a while so it should be fun-ola.

see this is why i don't go to Baltimore. so many other things upcoming that will need my cash. first time in a long time that we are not going to GenCon though. i'm ok with taking some time off. Gamesday was supposed to sorta make up for it, but its just a mess of crap i'm not interested in, and a whole lot of Extra Sweaty Nerds. they need to woo me with a Steak and Shake at the very least here folks.

shit.

now i miss Steak and Shake.
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(no subject) [Mar. 24th, 2008|08:41 pm]
Ragazzo Piccolo Diabolico
[mood |annoyedannoyed]

right now i am stalling walking back downstairs and watching Revolver. i like this movie. i haven't even seen a full preview for this movie and i know i like it. but, in a couple hours it will be i liked it. past tense. so i am stalling. cause i don't have anything greater to do with the rest of my night.

somebody has a case of the mondays.

i fucking hate that phrase, but it applies here like a fly to the old flypaper. fighting, kicking, and most likely screaming in a little fly voice 'what the hell is this shit? all i wanted was a bite to eat!' regardless, it applies. bleh.

i have been going out dancing quite a bit lately with the trio of latin ladies from work. its a lot of fun, i get glares from random douchebags in the bars, and it fills up the night. i think its my way of having a mid-life breakdown of a sort. rather odd one, i drink (but not to excess) and then spend the night dancing like a bastard, then go to bed alone and sleep like the dead.

my life has been abnormally calm. still i haven't really worked on anything in a couple months now. i think i am relaxing. the biggest upset in my life lately was the gov. gettin canned for sleeping with a hooker and then realizing that the new one is blind.

i was arguing with my brother at the bar on St. Patrick's about how he was the only politician there without a green fucking tie. what kind of asshole would show up as the only one without a green tie on St. Patrick's? does he like getting pinched? is he some sick kinky fuck? how is tht better than the guy who spent our money getting fucked by a hooker?

'he's blind.' Mark says.

i ranted on for another good five minutes or so before i stopped, took a breath, and said 'wait he's fuckin blind? he's black and he's blind? is he jewish, pregnant, or has a heart condition? where did this guy come from and how come i never knew that?'

clearly he was added to the ballot to pick up some sympathy votes. i honestly hope he's amazing. apparently he has already admitted that both he and his wife have had affairs. that's nice. but, NY is a fucked up state sir, what about that?

sigh.

leadership is not what it used to be.
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i need some time [Feb. 16th, 2008|11:15 am]
Ragazzo Piccolo Diabolico
i'm feeling a bit better this morning. odd how sometimes when nobody comes by to tell you that you'll feel better in the morning you actually do. called in to work. called over to Brian's and when he is done with work i'm going there to hide for the next few days. i don't want a single familiar thing around me right now.

and i want to vanish. i don't want anyone to know that i've gone. i just want to be gone.
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away from here [Feb. 15th, 2008|10:31 pm]
Ragazzo Piccolo Diabolico
a perfect circle is winding away through the speakers. i don't remember why i downloaded this, i suppose it reminds me of Jenny just a little bit. i steal a quick glance at a picture of Ann on my desk and sigh. its going to be a long night.

my mother had her MRI, they believe they may have found a brain tumor. she tells me this as she surprises me at work offering me a lift home. we hadn't even made it out of the parking lot yet. my sweet mother, no tact at all. Sal and mom are going down to the city this weekend to see Sal's mom and lil sis Tara. she wanted to tell all of us children before she left. i'm already emotionally worn from exposing my throat to Ann. i sat and shook and squeezed my mother's hand.

i couldn't look at her the whole ride home. she tells me it could be something else. she has to wait a month to find out for sure. right before the trip to Disney. she has to stick around anyway 'i'm too much of a damn fool to take care of myself.'

my sister. my sister had to watch her best friend wither and die from a brain tumor. i can't see how this is remotely fair. i'm not ready yet to count the years left, the months. my mother doesn't deserve this. a thousand angry fuckin thoughts rattle around. i'm sick. i'm tired. i'm cold.

and i need to do something other than this. anything.
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its like an exorcism when you lose weight [Jan. 28th, 2008|06:32 pm]
Ragazzo Piccolo Diabolico
[mood |determineddetermined]

i post the traditional i am not dead post. i am simply on a diet. and well exercise type thing. so i work out, then ride a bike while watching movies. this means i seldom come upstairs until i am utterly exhausted and i usually collapse in a twitchy heap in bed instead of blogging.

i've found that finding the discipline to change myself physically has driven me to correct several things i have been putting off, or just not facing at all. i apologized to some of those lovely past ladies, gave them the closure all people crave. it gave me a warm fuzzy feeling.

redesigned my living room so it looks less like a bachelor pad, and more like my pad. even though i am a bachelor i don't relish the idea that it looks exactly like people pictured it. cluttered, mismatched, with a lot of video games lying around. bleh. i have to say things like i don't even play those anymore...

i think i do self improvement mostly to avoid torturing myself with exercise.

bah! i can take anything i can dish out.
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(no subject) [Jan. 12th, 2008|10:58 pm]
Ragazzo Piccolo Diabolico
spent time with long lost friends tonight at Cheeks' surprise party. they rented out a section of the Paddock club and we ate sweet treats, drank lovely beverages, and then we roasted Cheeks ala Comedy Central. a unique affair.

Cora has a baby bump which is super fun! i got to trade news with Tara about all our assorted friends. there was groin stretches, Bon Jovi, and more.

Scott is thinking about coming to Stream in order to make more money. i really wouldn't mind having the old team back together again. we rock hardcore.

let's talk about me... i just finished a very successful year in life changes. i can now safely say that i have become an engine of creation instead of destruction. which sounds like an insanely silly line when i read it. oh well.

mens sana incorpore sano... at least that's how i think you say it in latin.

a healthy mind in a healthy body... i feel that i have achieved that. the mind bit anyway. i guess i can go do the body bit. i don't want to shame anyone but this will only take me 30 days.

you can start your watches tomorrow, right now i'm sleepy. that and the 13th just sounds funner than the 12th. guess what you're getting for Valentine's Day this year Ann?
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just one kiss could say goodbye [Jan. 8th, 2008|11:26 pm]
Ragazzo Piccolo Diabolico
jesus is your pal, but i'll be your fuckin savior. i have two left feet because i like to keep trophies. i am more or less alone, but i'm never lonely.

show me the way you say! shower me with your wisdoms, truths, beverages of sacrement, and/or religious cock injections!

patience.

a master talks in little circles, like the ripples of the pond that expand to cover the surface of everything that is, and then silent slip away again. and i, i am a mutha fuckin master! keeyah! and some shit.

now bow your heads. i want to picture what everyone would look like if they were sucking my dick. there are other deeper more spiritual reasons, but i like to keep that sort of thing to myself. i mentioned i was the master right?

i will be your jesus syndicate, your electric hotline to heaven, your backstage pass to the pearly gates. all you have to do is absolutely everything that occurs to me for you to do, within a reasonable amount of time after i decide you should.

i am merciful. i am tender. i will hug almost anyone i am attracted to. i hold babies. i shake hands. i am able to maintain an erection for long periods of time without being more than passingly interested in continued intercourse. i am God's way of telling you to Shut the fuck up and do what I say!

i love you, unless i can't stand you.

there are a lot of people i can't stand.

the less of me there is, the greater the demand there is for me. so when you don't see me, hear from me, or can't get me to acknowledge you its just my little way of letting the heart grow fonder.

when you love me enough i'll pay attention to you i swear.
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a series of events [Jan. 2nd, 2008|06:41 pm]
Ragazzo Piccolo Diabolico
[mood |happyhappy]

a series of events
i just knocked over a stack of On The Edge cards. they were on the edge of my table, i am basking in the irony.

Ann did her shift bid today and her schedule kinda sucks. i'm very happy she didn't get stuck working until midnight, which i was informed was a very real possibility for her whole streamline. worked out in my eyes, but i understand how she could be unhappy. i did the 10-7 crap, almost no time for a life most of the week. it sucked.

she has the same days off i do. that was nice. but we're not gonna talk about it while she's mad. at least not yet. i'll point out positives later so i don't sound like a prick.

Betsy sent a cute picture of Ann and Xander from the wedding. i realized i never posed for a picture with Ann. she was lovely. i don't think i mentioned it. i had a really bad headache i don't know why. i couldn't even really eat anything i just drank as much as i could. it started to go away towards the end of the night and i was feeling much better just in time for things to end.

isn't that the way things go? eh. i grinned and beared it. there will be plenty more times to dress fancy and dance in this life, but Amanada won't have any more weddings... we hope!

work was mindless, nobody around to chat with most of the day. i mostly just did my thing, getting back into the groove after the holidays and all that i guess. bleh.
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taking a breather from Tabula Rasa [Dec. 30th, 2007|12:29 am]
Ragazzo Piccolo Diabolico
soooo you can see i've been busy. Amanda gets married in 2 more days! going to be a seriously interesting event. Christmas was good, hope everyone else had a good one too. lately i've been up to nothing good.

its less of a case of you must be at least this tall to ride.

and more of a case of you must be at least this attractive to ride.

you ever notice you aren't really concerned about anything that is actually important? you basically have the personality of a sponge. soaking up a bit of anything you get left around long enough over and over again. until you are a nasty, smelly, used up, grey thing.

i've seen men missing both legs run races. but here you are in perfect health crying for a crutch. get a clue. or just fuckin rent one. and stop giving in to people who just want to fuck you, in any sense of the word.

i don't have any real respect for the people i just sleep with.

even less for the people i use to get what i want.

maybe if i say it, it'll sink in? but, i doubt it. you're not as smart as i think you are.

that's enough of a break. there's still plenty of hours till dawn.

by the way. this new game Tabula Rasa we've been playing is pretty fun. at least for now.
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all day shopping [Dec. 18th, 2007|02:18 am]
Ragazzo Piccolo Diabolico
[mood |tiredtired]

remember we're using the buddy system.

everyone should have their reflective vest, small pack of adhesive strips, and a bottle of something that smells like lovely and delicious almonds. all set?

try not to fall behind, or get to far ahead.

try not to be too talkative, too boring, or too mediocre.

try to stick out, but not too much. be a slight swirl in the pattern but, part of the cloth.

keep track of your buddy.

we don't want a repeat of what happened last year. ratings would plummet.

nobody likes a re-run. take your hands out of your pockets. and keep your hands to yourselves. please, don't touch anything. but, feel free to buy anything you break.

almost there. does everyone have a buddy?

good.
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there is a reason why things are ’easy as falling off a bike’ [Dec. 12th, 2007|06:32 pm]
Ragazzo Piccolo Diabolico
6:11 PM - there is a reason why things are ’easy as falling off a bike’
Current mood: cantankerous

anyone who has to read a pamphlet about how to ride a bike has already failed, take the bike back to the store, go back inside the house and sit down in front of the tv where you belong.

the sum of life's experiences are best learned through experience. and almost definitely not someone else's experiences. when you crack the spine on a book about life you break your back under a deluge of bullshit, and end up an emotionally paralyzed freak.

seriously let's go back to the bike. it's got two itty bitty wheels like 1 inch or so wide that you balance on, all the while running in place and altering your direction by moving your hands. it is quite simply an impossible concept that almost any human being can master without any written instruction, or hints, or guide books. you simply have to fall down a couple odd dozen times. get a nice collection of injuries and then get back on the bike.

persistance is the only thing that can teach you to ride one.

if you saw a touching family picture with a father helping his young daughter to ride a bike and they started by reading together from some slim manual how would you feel? it'd be unreal, silly, you would hope that there is a punchline coming cause WHO DOES THAT?

what works with bikes, works with the rest of life. no magazine is going to solve the problems you've been having with stress. no book is going to teach you the ins and outs of dating. not one information ladden website can teach you how best to come at a slip and slide.

you have to fall, you have to get hurt, and you have to learn. so stop reading this.
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my old thoughts on math [Dec. 10th, 2007|07:16 pm]
Ragazzo Piccolo Diabolico
i was doing some research for one of my games today. aka flipping through some of my old notebooks to find where i had jotted some ideas and things down. in doing so i uncovered an old poem in my college calc notebook on the subject of math homework...

it is two days too soon to take my place at your feet
worship
begins after the sabbath not one hour before
but i brought bits of you home with me
solemn i sit
watching for a sign
staring at your rows and columns
till they sink into my mind
grasping at straws
gasping for breath
trying as hard as i can to be relentless
i thought i could be the solution
but still all i see are more problems
we share my darkness late into the night
guided on only by your white light
the way of logic the way of truth
the path of cold hard fact
lies at my feet like an exercise mat
repetition becomes my method of understanding
various theories become my mantras as i cradle
my infant comprehension
all alone learning your deepest secrets
is this sin
i have left your idols behind me
your priests behind me
all your charts and tables behind me
i have driven myself forward naked and unprepared
my own misguided ambition
now suddenly i am alone overwhelmed
and sinking
is this what i get for bringing you home
is it fair to be this close to
so far from understanding
or is it more of your truth
showing me how the real world works again
with another one of your lessons
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Here Fido! [Dec. 10th, 2007|01:37 am]
Ragazzo Piccolo Diabolico
[mood |amusedamused]

so let's talk Fido. here's a movie that rates as an absolute must see for any fan of zombie movies. it deals with a post-zombie apocalypse world of the 1950's that has learned to domesticate zombies and use them for all sorts of physical labor. the story focuses around one boy and his zombie named Fido.

basically its funny as hell, horribly wrong, and filled with disturbing things.

it has several 'are you fucking kidding me?' moments.

if you don't like it i will personally hire midgit lepers to come to your house and molest your furnishings. and hand you a note before leaving that, may or may not be hand written depending on my level of free time, but will read 'Sorry, my bad.'
in both english and spanish because i watched Sesame Street growing up so i have some pretty kick ass language skills.

i don't want to boast but i also can spot someone who doesn't belong fairly quickly.

i owe it all to that wonderful show.
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i would dance if there was music [Dec. 9th, 2007|12:46 am]
Ragazzo Piccolo Diabolico
tonight i behaved myself. i would like to note that at 12:37-ish i could have left the house and done some very wrong things that would have improved my world and would have been fun too.

i have decided NOT to do these things. i have decided that i will allow the world to move along as it is for a while longer. in this i feel like an beneficent emperor. i feel like i have given the wicked one last chance to come to their senses.

its a good feeling.

i'm going to go work some before i pass out. been a long day.

still trying to get these card designs right in time for Christmas.
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Ann would understand [Dec. 4th, 2007|12:08 am]
Ragazzo Piccolo Diabolico
today i did all of my laundry! i moved my giant blue trunk of doom upstairs, i put up my Christmas tree until i ran out of hooks, but i'll get some and finish it tomorrow. i flattened a lot of boxes in the basement, and found out how to get rid of the spare mattress i have hanging around the upstairs hall.

last night was all work on 3 Dead Demons, and my Pirates campaign rules to prepare for Christmas. i need ink for my printer to finish this task. sigh. but, i was up very late so i got a lot of grunt work completed.

i plan on shocking my oldest friends with copies of my first game in far away places like Utica, Colorado, and Kansas. i wish i knew where Jerry ended up. that's another tale for another day. right now i'm off to answer some questions i see on here, and make some cocoa. mmmmmmmmm cocoa.
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